when things go unsaid
by PagetFan
Summary: i've always had a feeling that one day the tension uder the surface between CJ and TOBY would just errupt, but it didn't, so i wrote it.


This is just a little diddy I came up with, I've always had these romantic visions of toby and cj going at it in the oval office, though, I am not sure that something so personal would be talked about atall between the two, so this story is a little out of character, but I hope you enjoy anyways.

DISCLIAMER: you know the drill, I don't own them, I just have a little fun with them every now and then.

………………………………...

The bitter taste of adrenaline in her mouth alerts her to the fact that this is no normal oval office argument. They haven't had this argument yet, and as that thought rushed by she finds it hard to figure out if she was thinking about the administration or her and Toby.

'we can't come right out for it' josh was saying 'we'll be labelled as baby killers.'

'why the hell not, we came out for choice while still promoting other options and we still got labelled as baby killers, dead if we do, dead if we don't. so lets do.' Sam, dear sweet innocent Sam. She could feel Toby's eyes boring into her soul via the top of her head, she would not meet his eyes.

'there's a few IQ points difference between the voters and congress, we need the woman's vote going into re-election. But congress will start hanging pro life amendments on everything that moves if we come right out for abortion, we need congress more right now." something about the dismissal in his voice made her bitter.

'well thank you Toby, the women of this country should be comforted by the fact that we have you fighting for our rights when it's convenient for you.' and all of the sudden there eyes had met. By the awkward looks and ruffling of papers the rest of the room had also noticed the tension. 'you have my vote.' her sarcasm was met by fire in his eyes.

'your rights are in no danger of being taken away, the republicans would have the same problems legislating absolute pro-life. Besides, it's not like considering it a right has done anything good for society." and now the fire had spread, to her eyes as well, moments passed like hours, and no one in the room wanted to get in between it. A meaningful look passed between the president and Leo, the president's eyes pleading with Leo to stop this before it begins.

"what are you suggesting?' her voice was ice, her eyes narrowing. A challenge. They had never had this discussion. Had yet to have this fight. And the fact that they were about to have it in front of their colleges, the president, was a screaming thought in the back of her mind, one that got very little recognition from the rest of her.

'I am suggesting that your rights are fine, but I am sick of this mentality that any man who wants to have a say is a misogynist. What about me.'

'what about you Toby?'

'what about me, what about the men who have been effected, marriage is a union CJ, marriage is something that's shared, you can't possibly think that in that situation it's the woman's choice alone. It's theft'

' it's still my body Toby, even in marriage you can't take that away from me'

'yes, but there is no limit to what you can take away from me' the sharp sound of her hand planting itself on his cheek surprised everyone, including her. But more surprising were the tears that followed.

'how dare you' she whispered, trying to keep the tears from her voice. 'how dare you' she said again. Toby looked down, he submitted, because that's what he did, he put up a good fight, but in the end he would let her win, if only because he couldn't stand to let her down. She could sense the other in the room, josh being dramatic, making a show of looking anywhere but at them, hand in his hair. Loyal Sam, watching nervously, ready to leap to Toby's defence, but not willing to hurt CJ in the process. The president with his head down and Leo looking at the president, both unsure of what to do and having trouble with the loss of control.

'do you somehow think that I wasn't just as upset, do you think that you're the only one who's heart was broken. I still by birthday presents every year, I still think of him' her gaze was soft now, pleading, wanting him to recognize the pain, recognise her suffering. ' I think he would have been a boy, with dark curly hair and brown soulful eyes. I think he would have had an amazing sense of humour, with an outstanding capacity for love and passion. He would have been six this year.' she took a deep shuddering breath. One that sucked any remaining bit of happiness out of the room 'but it wasn't meant to be Tobias.' the use of his full name caught his attention, and when their eyes met there was mutual apology in the connection. 'we wouldn't be here, we wouldn't be the same people, we would still be in that little two bedroom in the Bronx working jobs we hated. But look at us now, we're in the white house. With a family that loves us, that we love and adore. It could have been worse.'

'we could have had our son' it was the closest thing to crying any of the others would ever see on Toby but CJ understood, knew what was happening under the surface, he was finally letting himself mourn. 'we could have had our own family, a forever family, not a family that could be gone in November.' CJ cast her eyes down for a moment, staring at the intricacies of the woven presidential seal under Toby's feet.

'but look at where your standing Toby, your where you always dreamed to be, we would have a had a family, and I don't doubt that we would have been happy. But would you have been content? Would I have been?'

Again the silence fell on the room. And CJ was beyond caring how awkward this must be for the rest of them. All she felt was the pride in her heart, that Toby had finally taken these steps towards being OK with everything that happened. Slowly, still unsure of herself, she closed the space between them and kissed him sweetly on the mouth. One hand scratching his beard, the other buried in the dark curls of his hair. It was far from a chaste kiss, but there was very little sensuality to it. It was the kiss of a friend, of a life saver. And when it was over she pressed her forehead to his and took a deep breath

'I am glad you're finally dealing with this, I am glad we finally had this discussion, but your timing is really lousy. If your ever put me through an emotional ordeal like that in the oval office again I'll kick your ass.'

With that she turned to leave, she did not bother getting the president's dismissal, she figured it would be a given, figured they could all take a break from the tension. And as for herself, she could not stand to be there any longer, could not be there when her focus shifted back to the room and there would be the reactions of her friends. She had called them family.

She was in her office, speaking to Gail, well, thinking to her, when she felt Toby's presence. Felt his gaze. It had been hours since the incident but she hadn't expected to see him for a while still. She did not look up until she heard him putting something heavy on the desk. She was a little puzzled, and it took her a moment to figure out just what she was looking at.

She took in the sparkling paper and multicoloured ribbons and it sunk it. It as a box of gifts, wrapped gifts. From the few tags facing upwards she could see different years on them.

'I buy gifts too.' she heard him whisper. I haven't but as much thought into what he or she would be like, so I just take the word of the sales clerk and bye the most popular toy. Unless there is some kind of moral objection to it.' he stuck his hand in the box and applied some pressure with a grin that CJ couldn't help but mirror through misty eyes at the sound of Elmo laughing joyously. 'parents went through hell to get those one year, I felt almost guilty, because I didn't really have anyone to give it to. '

'it's the thought that counts' CJ commented, if only for lack of anything better to say. But it had an effect. Toby let gravity move him into the chair opposite her desk. And put his head in his hands. He was silent, motionless, but CJ knew that he was crying. She offered comfort as well as she could while still providing him some space.

Much later, after the tears had stopped and they'd moved to the couch where they could comfortably retain the physical contact they both needed Toby started to laugh. 'I wish you hadn't mentioned how old he'd be' CJ looked confused. 'the president's an economist CJ, did you not think he could do simple math. '

'I don't understand'

'hundreds of IQ points between them, how long do you think it is before one of them does the math and starts asking why we were living in a one bedroom in the Bronx while I was still married to Andi .' shifting slightly CJ rested pulled her head up from where it rested under toby's chin..

'do you really suppose they would be surprised?' she asked with a smile. 'maybe now they'll understand why she was so nervous about having me around on the campaign. Surely she didn't just drop by as often as she did before you brought me on.'

'She didn't drop by at all before I brought you on.' a chuckle or two was all that followed for the next little while, both trapped in thoughts of their own.

'let's try again' CJ said suddenly some time later. 'neither of us will be content with anything else after this administration is done. Lets start over.' Toby sighed.

'try what again? Us, our relationship, because I could see myself being a little offended if you tell me you haven't been enjoying yourself lately.'

'I mean a baby Toby, ' she said with a laugh. 'this is the end of the road, four more years and then what? Lets try again' Toby was silent for a while. Seemingly fascinated by Gail swimming in slow circles around her bowl. A small smile speed across his face, and his hand started to take action on CJ's thigh.

'we would have to get started then wouldn't we?' he said.

'now?' she said. Startled that he had taken so quickly to the idea, startled that he had not suggested waiting until the end of Bartlett's presidency.

'yes now' he said with a smile, 'I mean, your not exactly young any more, it would have to be now. ' CJ smacked him hard in the arm, but he was hardly focusing on that. Their mouths met with a veracity that surprised them both.

'what do we tell the press' CJ panted as she struggled with the buttons of toby's dress shirt.

'tell them it was immaculate for all I care, you're wearing too many clothes'


End file.
